


Filming Mass Effect

by Chromaticism



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Crack, Hackett takes his film seriously, Humour, Mass Effect Kink Meme, Movie Set AU, Very seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-04
Updated: 2015-09-28
Packaged: 2018-04-19 01:54:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4728377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chromaticism/pseuds/Chromaticism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fill for the kink meme</p>
<p>'Mass Effect' is a roaring success of a movie series within the Milky Way, both praised and critiqued for its often damning depiction of the galaxy's many races. Basically, each and every character in the game trilogy is actually an actor... acting out the most expensive and well-loved war movie series of all time.</p>
<p>+FemShep/female <br/>+Castmates hooking up whose characters would NEVER hook up<br/>+lost of outtakes <br/>+the cast is one big family (love/hate relationships are up to a!a) <br/>+Aria T'Loak being the worst of all of them for trying to keep in her laughter during takes</p>
<p>All characters can keep their actor/character names the same to spare confusion... call it a futuristic cinema quirk? You are wholly welcome to include 'deleted scenes' - aka scenes that you want to happen that aren't actually in the games. In fact, this is encouraged. Have fun, but don't make it too silly. </p>
<p>Bonus:<br/>-some Aria/Tevos because I am Aria/Tevos trash.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Any deleted scene suggestions are appreciated.
> 
> First chapter is purely an introduction.

Director Steven ‘Admiral’ Hackett is a grizzled veteran of the film industry. His nickname, ‘Admiral’ was a hat-tip to his original occupation before retiring after a long, successful career in the Alliance. He was well known for his rough, can-do attitude, uncompromising leadership, innovative screenplays, daring special effects and unapologetic storytelling. He was often quoted saying to his actors: On my set, you forget the standard rules - if I bat, you run.

There was no doubt in his mind that directing was his true calling. It was almost like being an admiral in some ways.

Hackett surveyed his kingdom calmly. Not long now until the work truly began. Heeled shoes stomped across the set as Hannah Shepard, his producer, prepared the visual and audio teams for the cast’s pending arrival. Somewhere, Irissa, a long collaborator of his, was working with the media and marketing teams to prepare a hype segment. He was of the opinion of having something simple. Perhaps, just a picture of Commander Jane Shepard stood in N7 armor with an active omniblade at their side, with the words MASS EFFECT written above in a minimalist font.

The work would stand on its own; there was no need for a trailer.

“Place the cameras in a standard triad formation, Jenkins, or I’ll make sure you end up back in the military faster than you can blink!” 

The recipient of his ire was one of the Alliance idiots he’d been forced to allow an internship in return for extra funding. He planned on going all out on his film, and that meant money. Lots of it. If he had to deal with a kid who didn’t understand how salarian deep focus lens worked, he would just have to deal with it.

It didn’t mean he had to like it. Especially when the Alliance had stipulated that he had to give humanity a favourable light in the film.

He tilted his iconic hat lower over his forehead, grumbling to himself at the ludicrousness of the idea. Who did the Alliance think he was? That new upcoming krogan film director that made films rife with explosions and seizure inducing lens flare? His work was far more highbrow than that. He didn’t need the burden of a novice to cinematography on his set. Nor did he need restrictions on his methodology.

He was the winner of several galactic movie awards - a six time winner of the Terran Grammy Award, one time winner of the Sur’Kesh College of Film Science’s Sigil of Cinematography, four time winner of the Serrice Dramatic Excellence Award and a Honorary Member of the Carvanius Pravelus Enclave of Directors.

He was damn good. And with this coming flick he was working on, he’d been given the cast of his dreams. This was the screenplay that would win him and his collaborators awards. He looked at his omnitool with a victorious smirk. Oh yes, he could just about imagine the mon - the quality of film they’d make. He’d get that second Sigil he’d been wanting for years. 

Hackett smiled to himself, and reached his glass for another sip of water. Empty.

“Chambers!” Hackett barked.

Heels pattered quickly across the metal of the set.

“Mr Hackett, sir!” 

His admittedly overworked aide was by his side in seconds. Slightly out of breath, but eager to help as usual. With how well she’d performed her job the last couple of months, he may just give her a minor role in a later instalment of this film franchise.

“Fetch me some water.”

“Right on it, sir.”

She didn’t take long, returning within half a minute with a glass of iced water. He grumbled his thanks, and took a long gulp of his drink.

“How long until the main cast gets here, Chambers?”

She looked at her omnitool with a pensive frown. A large mix of calendars, spreadsheets and messages appeared and disappeared as she searched for the details.

“It depends, sir,” she explained hesitantly.

“Go on.”

Hackett did his best to ensure that his tone was entirely neutral. He didn’t particularly like the sound of the word ‘depends’.

“Urdnot Wrex was arrested a couple of hours ago for disturbing the peace,” Chambers said with a slight smile. Her lips began to crinkle in repressed laughter as she continued to read her omnitool.

Hackett snorted in disgust. It was par for the course. Urdnot Wrex was arrested the last time he was on the Citadel for conspiracy to commit cannibalism. The krogan was a walking media spectacle. Sometimes, Hackett wasn’t sure the frequency of his charges being dropped were a consequence of the krogan’s team of lawyers, or the ridiculous things he was arrested for. Maybe it was the fact he was the de facto leader of the krogan. Even in spite of his penchant of appearing in the odd film or two.

“Also, Saren Arterius has changed his request. Again. This time he wants the whole of the Presidium Palla Tower Hotel’s Azure Heaven Suite reserved for him.”

Hackett spluttered in disbelief.

“That damn money sink is already reserved for Nihlus Kryik and his entourage. He’s not even one of the main actors and he bought that place out.”

He snorted at the sight of Chambers rolling his eyes. Hannah Shepard had been the one to recommend Kryik for casting, and Hackett trusted her. Kryik had done surprisingly well in the audition. Not that Hackett would ever admit it. Models should stay in the modelling industry. Acting was… acting was a finer art.

Hackett was an unapologetic film snob.

Regardless of Kryik’s uncharacteristically strong performance, that didn’t mean he couldn’t complain about the his and Hannah’s decision to take him on to his assistant. Hackett was stubborn like that.

“That damn turian has so many groupies in his entourage…”

“Twenty six at last count, sir,” Kelly helpfully added.

Hackett didn’t want to know how she knew that fact. He didn’t want to know too much about what his PA did in her free time.

Hackett couldn’t help but fall into his old pastime of complaining about Kryik.

“Where has he even been getting the money, Chambers? Tell me. His film career has been largely unsuccessful. He may be a huge hit in the modelling industry, especially for a turian, but he just doesn’t have that oomph required to be a big star on the screen.”

“We’ve argued about this before, sir. Nihlus just needs to get the right part, and he’ll shine! He’s talented!”

It’s a good thing he’ll be killed off very quickly then. He could show the talent he had at acting by acting as a corpse. That was a form of modelling, was it not? What a good idea it had been to keep Chambers entirely uninvolved in the writing process. The girl was a whiz at her job, but she tended to self-insert and acquire biases very quickly. Somewhat ironic for a girl who’d majored in psychology.

“And his last part in that Blasto movie, where he co-starred with Garrus Vakarian as the suave, guile anti-hero. Malin Destra…”

Chambers had a slight blush on her face, and Hackett had the feeling that he really didn’t want to hear the end of that sentence.

“Careful there, Chambers. You might just start drooling,” Hackett said, persevering to make his tone as sarcastic as possible.

Her mouth closed with a slight clack.

Hackett was quite sure he had just dodged a bullet there. He’d fought and lost people on Shanxi. He didn’t need to hear anymore of what she was possibly going to say.

“The film that was universally panned by critics as typical mindless action drivel? Kryik’s performance being described as wooden? Insincere?” 

Hackett shook his head in disgust after his interjection.

“They just didn’t understand his methods. You’ll see, sir,” Chambers said.

Hackett doubted it, but reluctantly accepted the fact that his assistant had fallen prey to Kryik’s looks. 

Chambers continued to read as Hackett pondered solutions to the Arterius problem.

“Arterius, Arterius, Arterius... “ Hackett mumbled in idle thought.

He did respect the turian. They’d worked together several times in the past, but he was incredibly demanding and would put entire shoots on hold if he didn’t think they were good enough. If Arterius was on your side, it was a great advantage, but if he wasn’t… he just about summed up the word: insufferable. Adding on to his polarizing effect on sets was his incredibly intense method acting that, again, also held up shoots.

Stage actors were sometimes just as troublesome as they were skilled.

“The Maple Penthouse at the Citadel Hilton is available, sir. It’s incredibly luxurious and has been a rumoured favourite of the turian councilor.”

Chambers was still gazing at her omnitool when Hackett fixed his gaze intently on her.

“Human-run?”

“Of course, sir. The Hilton chain expanded to the Citadel a decade ago.”

“Perfect,” he said, falling back into his black canvas chair and lighting a cigarette. While he may respect the turian, that didn’t mean he liked him. “Set that up for him.”

Chambers nodded.

“So who will be here in the next hour, Chambers?” 

“I’ve delayed Garrus’ arrival - Hackett rose his eyebrow at the first name referral. Another crush? - as a response to Urdnot Wrex’s arrest based on the filming blocks you’ve allocated. Jane Shepard is already here, and she’s prepping with make-up. Kaidan Alenko, David Anderson, Jeff Moreau, Ashley Williams, and the rest of the Normandy crew will be here in an hour. Saren Arterius and Nihlus Kryik are ready whenever they’re called. You know how turian actors work, sir.”

Pretty much on perpetual standby whilst filming was taking place. It was times like this that made Hackett wish the humans had conscription like the turians.

“Call the turians and I’ll begin last minute prep.”

Chambers left just as she came, in a quick jog. He could hear her speaking urgently into her omnitool in a corner away from the hustle and bustle of the set.

He looked at the visuals intern. Something Jenkins? He was still fumbling around with the camera arrays, and Hackett decided then and there, that he didn’t like the kid.

The script of the film flew out of the omnitool in response to several hand gestures, and Hackett began to edit the first opening scenes. What was an opening segment to a military squad fic without the expendable greenhorn?

“Jenkins!”

“Yes, sir?”

“Have you ever thought about acting?”


	2. Meet Jane Shepard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. I haven't had Internet at home for about three weeks now.

Hackett twirled his cap in his hands as he regarded the workers putting the final touches to the set. Large monitors of all manners of shapes and sizes were set up, ready to project an image of the Normandy onto the surrounding walls, both hard light and physical. All the cameras had been arranged to create a sense of depth and curvature.

He nodded to himself in satisfaction. It was almost time.

“Steven, I’ve -” a tall, red haired woman called to him.

Jane Shepard was a beautiful woman. That was the first thing that went through his mind, but regardless of that, they weren’t on a first name basis. He didn’t play favourites for anyone apart from Kelly who was allowed to call him Steven in private. He had a bit of a soft spot for her.

“Hackett. You either call me Hackett or Director,” he said. Shepard’s lips creased in her confusion but she nodded nonetheless. There was nothing quite like laying down the law with new recru- actors he’d never worked with before; letting them know that on this set, his word was their gospel. It was like being back in the Alliance, but better, somehow. 

Shepard was an amazingly versatile actor. Starring in a variety of genres: romance, comedy, action... she’d even taken a venture into asari theatre. It was far too avant-garde for his tastes, but he could appreciate the cinematography. He was a little excited to be working with her. 

“Right, Director. I just wanted to let you know that I’ve read the script and I have a slight problem with its contents…”

Hackett sighed. 

“I mean, there seems to be a romance between me and a yet to be chosen male lead,” Shepard said, her face contorting in a slight expression of distaste. “I’m not sure I’ll be able to portray the degree of intimacy your films generally have between their leads.”

She should count herself lucky then because the higher ups had wanted him to make this film marketable to teenagers which meant no explicit sex scenes. But why was that a problem?

Thankfully, before he could admit his ignorance, she volunteered the answer.

“I’m not really into men, Director,” she admitted with a shrug.

Oh. Right. She was a lesbian.

Not on this set!

“No, Shepard. No you’re not,” he corrected offhandedly.

“Excuse me?”

Her tone suggested he’d hit a sensitive area. Regardless, he’d stand by his assertion.

“You misunderstand me, Shepard. I’m not a bigot. When I say there are no gays, lesbians or whatever other fancy-shmancy sexual orientation you may claim, I’m saying there are only actors. There aren’t any straight actors here either. Only actors.”

Hackett took a long drag of his cigarette, idly watching Shepard’s hackles lower and a look of confusion replace it. He hadn’t even noticed that her fists had clenched. He snorted - whether at his lack of awareness (he was so out of practice) or her misplaced anger, he didn’t know.

“Let me put it this way, if I tell you to hump a varren, you will goddamn hump a varren,” Hackett explained.

Shepard’s eyes widened in disbelief and ran a hand through her recently styled auburn hair with a tremulous laugh. Despite this, a distinct sharpness crossed through her green eyes as if she had accepted his challenge.

“Once you’ve overcome your shock, Shepard, you may want to go back to the stylists and get your hair redone.”

Shepard’s roaming hand froze mid-motion.

“If you have any complaints about my style of directing, -”

He was going to say tough luck but she hastily cut through him.

“None, Director,” she said, an air of shock still about her, “I just thought that everyone was overstating your… well… uniqueness. I wasn’t ready to handle it.”

Hackett let out a low chuckle. He had hoped she had a little fire to her as Vakarian and her could have some good banter between them if they built a rapport, but that was if Arterius didn’t try to sabotage that. Xenophobic bastard.

His omnitool seemed to become a like a living thing on his wrist at the thought of the changes to the script he could make. He’d never been so aware of its presence before, and he was already fighting the urge to just start making changes now. The potential squad banter he could add to the script… Hackett needed to get rid of her, and fast.

“Go,” he murmured, one of his hands already booting up his omni-tool, hastily thinking of something to dismiss her.

“... We’ll be doing introductions shortly.”

“Right you are, Director,” she said. Shepard departed with a quick wink and a dazzling smile. 

He almost smiled until he saw Kryik entering the set behind her, a small entourage accompanying him. He could see a two humans, a male and a female, an asari, and two turian males. Five in all.

Hackett’s mind betrayed him by thinking that Kryik must be a huge fan of the old ‘five a day’ health adage. The mental images were horrific.

How’d they all get past security.

“That damn pansy and his damn fuck buddies,” he grumbled under his breath, ignoring the likely blush on his neck.

This is what he got for listening to Kelly. This was her fault. 

Hackett took a deep breath, his chest expanding like a balloon.

“CHAMBERS! GET HERE NOW!”


End file.
